I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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