So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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