so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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