So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
