i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I've blown a few things in my day
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.