FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?