Are we in a gay sports bar?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.