If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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