I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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