I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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