hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
