I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
