google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
