I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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