i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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