At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I faked an abortion last night.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
