i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
