My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
