The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You don't make any sense
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