Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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