i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
