btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
