$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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