I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
