She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
