I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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