do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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