Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
