Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
