I'm pants shitting drunk right now
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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