we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
is that a dick in a sweater?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
