she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
