you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
