I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
A+ Viking dick
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
