stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
