On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
