At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
