When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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