What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
