Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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