Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
