I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
