I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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