I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
