last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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