if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
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I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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