I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
