the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.