My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
