do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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