I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
