I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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