my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
