Four minutes until I can fart!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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