how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
