The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
