This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
