I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
