What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
