Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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